Shame, Guilt, and the Kinky Pleasure of Emotional Resonance in Romance

Photo by Alexandra Gorn on Unsplash

Let’s talk about shame. Guilt. That delicious ache of regret. The burn of wanting something we “shouldn’t.” The secret satisfaction of being wronged. The righteous glow of coming out on top in our own mental reruns of that one scene.

I’ve been re-reading Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott—a book about embracing the shadowy, uncomfortable parts of ourselves that we secretly enjoy. And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how useful this is… for romance authors.

Because what is fiction, if not an emotional playground?

As writers, we’re taught to put our characters through the wringer. We give them goals, obstacles, flaws, and wounds. But what we sometimes miss is the kink—the part of the human psyche that likes sitting in negative emotion.

Not in a sadistic way. In a human way. Here’s what I mean:

1. Shame as a Power Tool

Shame isn’t just an emotion—it’s a control mechanism. Both in real life and on the page. We often hold on to shame because it keeps us "safe." If we feel bad about what we want, we don’t have to actually go after it. Want to write a heroine who always plays it safe? Let her shame kink do the work. She can be desperate to be good, to be praised, to be approved of—while secretly longing to be bad in all the best ways. That’s emotional tension gold.

2. Guilt and Righteous Fantasy

Guilt is often framed as a moral compass, but Elliott suggests it can be a kind of self-flattering story. A loop we play to feel superior or noble. I think this is what Michael Hauge means when he talks about Character Wounds. Think about your hero or heroine replaying a moment where they made the “wrong” choice. Notice how much they like that story? How it sets them apart from others? Characters who stew in guilt aren’t weak—they’re invested in a version of themselves that feels righteous. That can create deep conflict when love threatens that identity.

3. Praise and Punishment

We all love praise. But some of us also get a kick out of punishment—especially when we believe we’ve “earned” it. And fiction thrives in that contradiction. A character who keeps sabotaging herself? A hero who “punishes” himself by denying love or pleasure? These are emotional dynamics that existential kink helps us decode. Readers feel these contradictions because they know them intimately in their own lives.

4. Making It Sexy: Emotional Masochism in Romance

Romance is one of the best genres to play with this idea, because we already traffic in vulnerability, longing, and the thrill of emotional risk. Shame and guilt can be used to delay gratification, heighten emotional stakes, or create a satisfying push-pull dynamic between lovers. That’s the slow burn. The pining. The enemies to lovers heat. Characters want to be seen—but fear the exposure. They crave love—but punish themselves by pushing it away. Readers eat. that. up.

5. How to Use This in Your Writing

• Give your characters emotional contradictions. Make them crave what they’re ashamed of wanting.

• Let them revel in guilt or shame before they evolve. Let them enjoy their suffering a little.

• Use shame or guilt as obstacles—not just feelings, but motivations that delay or derail the happily ever after.

• Remember: emotional resonance often comes from a place of secret pleasure, not just pain. Let your characters feel the kink in their own emotional loops.

Final Thoughts

The next time you’re stuck on a character’s motivation, ask:

What’s the shadow they secretly enjoy sitting in?
What emotion feels bad—but safe?
What story are they telling themselves that gives them control?

When we let our characters get off (emotionally speaking) on their own hang-ups, the result isn’t just more authentic—it’s more addictive for readers.

Now excuse me while I go write a heroine who apologizes for everything while secretly loving the fact that everyone thinks she’s such a good girl...

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